One Who Understands

I shared in my last post about the great loss I have been dealing with the past few months.  The struggle to move forward and live.  One of the greatest battles I have faced in the death of my father has been the isolation the pain of loss has caused me to feel. 

“Nobody gets it.”

“They haven’t been in my shoes.”

“They haven’t been here.  They don’t know how it feels.”

When we are going through something very difficult it is easy to think no one else understands or can identify with our pain.  As I have been living through my own pain recently, God has opened my eyes to see how naively unaware I have been to the depth of pain others around me have gone through.  Until now I did not recognize my own blindness.  This life is one filled with pain.  Christ never promised us a life of ease and comfort.  I have witnessed family members selflessly and tirelessly care for loved ones who are living through debilitating disease, other family members themselves daily battling chronic pain, and friends who month after month face the heart wrenching struggle of infertility.  We all individually have lives filled with pain that we are living through in some form or another. 

For myself I have so desperately desired for others to be willing to enter into my pain with me and hold my hand on this road.  It is so easy to become embittered and angry and point the finger at where others fail.  But I have realized that I have failed. 

I have failed to reach out to others experiencing their walk of pain. 

I have failed to move outside of my comfort zone to offer comfort to others.

I am learning every day to stop expecting people to “get it”.  To stop wanting people to fully understand what I am feeling.  I have realized that it is impossible for me to fully grasp the full realm of pain that those around me are facing, because I have not walked in their shoes.  I don’t have to fully understand them and they don’t have to fully understand me in order for us to reach our hands of love out to each to other and walk these roads of life side by side.  I just have to be willing to enter in, to be ok feeling awkward and unsure of what to say.  It is enough to be a warm hand to hold or shoulder to lean on.  We are called to bear these burdens of life together.

I have also learned through this time of grieving that there is One who understands.  In the Garden of Gethsemane we see that Jesus has faced great sorrow as well.  He understands when we feel like sorrow is pressing the life out of us.  He understands the words I cannot utter because of the lump in my throat.  He understands the unexpected tears that flow.  He understands that sick feeling in my stomach and the inability to sleep at night. 

He understands.

In her book One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp speaks words of life to me.

“Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, ‘I know.  I know.'”

Dear one, I just want to remind all of us that even when we feel like no one gets what we are going through.  That no one could possibly understand our pain.  There is One who understands and walks with us.  He knows.  He gets it.

The Goodbye

I find myself writing because I don’t know what else to do to make sense of the thoughts, images and memories swirling around in my head.  My life has changed so much in the past few months that my head and my heart don’t know how to keep up or how to move forward.  I want to find some way to hold on, to grab hold and not let these memories drift away as on a mist. 

The warm embrace.

That familiar sweet and musky scent.

Cracked and calloused hands that grip my own.

The “Hey Darlin” greeting in his Southern drawl. 

You never are prepared for the turns life takes sometimes.  You keep fighting to wake up from this bad dream but the nightmare continues to roll forward not releasing its grip.  The grasp on reality is lost and you just keep moving with it all, trying desperately to hold on, hold it together, to be strong.  The waves keep crashing over you hour upon hour. 

This memory from the hospital keeps coming back to me. 

 The time that you have been dreading arrives.  So frail that he has been bound to a chair on wheels and you watch as that piece of you, the one who looks like your childhood self, climbs into his lap and holds tight, asks for a ride.  You remember the familiarity of that spot so intimate and filled with love.  But the minutes are ticking by and you have to go face another goodbye. You have to be the strong one.

So frail and weak he rises, hunched over, takes her small hand in his.  They lead the way to the place you don’t want to go.  As you watch them it’s as if spaces in time are colliding.  You see yourself there walking ahead of you, holding on to that hand that always feels so big and scratchy in yours.  Step after step you begin to unravel.  It’s too much.  The waves are pulling you into the flood of emotions that can’t be tamed.  Mom stops you but everything around you is a blur.  Wake up!  WAKE UP!  You think.  Awake from this nightmare!  But there you still stand in that hallway as nurses move about you and the shuffling pair continue on in front of you.

Finally you make it to those doors you’ve been dreading.  They look so cold and void.  He pulls you into that familiar embrace.  You breathe him in and hold on tight.  Never let me go.  Don’t make me go.  You follow her onto the elevator, that picture and piece of you.  You look at him through a torrent of tears and wonder will this be the last time I see you.  The seconds feel like they are moving in slow motion.  You are grasping to hold onto this moment.  You want to reach out one last time but the doors close in front of you.  And just like that he is gone.

Take Me Away

 Right before Valentine's David and I had the opportunity to steal away for a night to Charleston.  I love these times of uninterrupted conversations connecting with my man.  It is always so refreshing!  We don't get regular date nights so these overnights away always mean so much to us.  It is sacred time for us to be together.

Being the food lovers that we are, our plans for the weekend of course surrounded around enjoying the incredible restaurants Charleston has to offer. 

Our first stop was Sesame Burgers & Beer on Saturday for lunch.  We had heard this place was amazing so we were anxious to check it out for ourselves.

I ordered the South Carolina burger that was topped with pimiento cheese and a side of sweet potato fries and David ordered the sliders so he could sample 3 different burgers.  His sliders consisted of the South Carolina, Park Circle (sharp cheddar, cole slaw, bbq sauce and tomato), and Down South (American cheese, caramelized onions and bacon).  I have to say that the Park Circle stole both our hearts.  We devoured our food!

After lunch we headed downtown to walk off all that we had just consumed.  David had been dying to check out the Apple store on King St. He was in heaven!

After window shopping on King Street we walked through the market checking out the local wares.

Of course we had to stop off for a praline sample.  I think if David could have disguised himself to go in again and again for another sample he would have.  

In the late afternoon we were ready for some rest.  I don't get to have much down time with a 3 1/2 year old to keep up with all the time.  I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity for a lazy afternoon.  So we crossed the Ravenel bridge and headed to Mount Pleasant. 

When our stomachs started rumbling again we headed back downtown for dinner.  After walking in the freezing windy weather our dinner spot, Monza, was like a hidden gem.  We stepped from the cold to a warm embrace of jazz playing in the background, smells of pizza cooking in brick ovens and inviting little tables.  It was perfection!  

At the recommendation of our waitress we chose the P83 pizza which had gorgonzola, mozzarella, bacon and grape tomatoes.  All I can say is YUM!  And let me add, how handsome is my dinner date! :)  Dinner was followed up with coffee and dessert at Kaminsky's where we chose the Oreo Dream Cake. 

 On Sunday we couldn't leave Charleston without at least taking in a view of the ocean.  It was still freezing so a leisurely walk at the beach was not on the itinerary but I was able to brave the winds and snatch a few shots. 

 If I had a magic genie pop out of a bottle and offer to grant me 3 wishes one of them would for sure be for a little cottage like this one on Sullivan's Island.  I would LOVE to have a place to call home on this quiet little island.  It is my kind of paradise.

 We enjoyed every minute of our little getaway.  But it doesn't take long to jump back into our roles as Mommy & Daddy to this little one.  She quickly had David back in her service as her horse.