The Goodbye

I find myself writing because I don’t know what else to do to make sense of the thoughts, images and memories swirling around in my head.  My life has changed so much in the past few months that my head and my heart don’t know how to keep up or how to move forward.  I want to find some way to hold on, to grab hold and not let these memories drift away as on a mist. 

The warm embrace.

That familiar sweet and musky scent.

Cracked and calloused hands that grip my own.

The “Hey Darlin” greeting in his Southern drawl. 

You never are prepared for the turns life takes sometimes.  You keep fighting to wake up from this bad dream but the nightmare continues to roll forward not releasing its grip.  The grasp on reality is lost and you just keep moving with it all, trying desperately to hold on, hold it together, to be strong.  The waves keep crashing over you hour upon hour. 

This memory from the hospital keeps coming back to me. 

 The time that you have been dreading arrives.  So frail that he has been bound to a chair on wheels and you watch as that piece of you, the one who looks like your childhood self, climbs into his lap and holds tight, asks for a ride.  You remember the familiarity of that spot so intimate and filled with love.  But the minutes are ticking by and you have to go face another goodbye. You have to be the strong one.

So frail and weak he rises, hunched over, takes her small hand in his.  They lead the way to the place you don’t want to go.  As you watch them it’s as if spaces in time are colliding.  You see yourself there walking ahead of you, holding on to that hand that always feels so big and scratchy in yours.  Step after step you begin to unravel.  It’s too much.  The waves are pulling you into the flood of emotions that can’t be tamed.  Mom stops you but everything around you is a blur.  Wake up!  WAKE UP!  You think.  Awake from this nightmare!  But there you still stand in that hallway as nurses move about you and the shuffling pair continue on in front of you.

Finally you make it to those doors you’ve been dreading.  They look so cold and void.  He pulls you into that familiar embrace.  You breathe him in and hold on tight.  Never let me go.  Don’t make me go.  You follow her onto the elevator, that picture and piece of you.  You look at him through a torrent of tears and wonder will this be the last time I see you.  The seconds feel like they are moving in slow motion.  You are grasping to hold onto this moment.  You want to reach out one last time but the doors close in front of you.  And just like that he is gone.