Marriage

David and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary this year and it has sparked a lot of discussion for us about what makes strong, vibrant marriage relationships.  We have learned that healthy marriages don't just happen on their own.  They take work.  They require commitment, intention, and focus.

It has been a tough year here in the DeWeil household for a variety of reasons. To be honest with you, it has shaken us up a bit some days.  And we have learned that to have the vibrant, God-honoring marriage that we so desire that we have to fight FOR each other.  As Tim Keller said in his book The Meaning of Marriage, when difficult seasons come, we roll up our sleeves and get to work.

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Some tools we've used to work 

on our relationship are:

1.  Fellowship - We've shared openly with close, trusted friends that we were having a hard time.  We talked through some of the issues we've faced and gotten their insight and perspective.  It also gave us the opportunity to ask for accountability and prayer.  Ultimately, being transparent and vulnerable with others felt like a life preserver to us.  It freed us from feeling isolated and alone in our struggles.

2.  Assessment - We gave each other a list of questions to answer about how we are doing in our roles as husband and wife and then set a night to talk through our answers.  This really helped us to understand how the other was feeling and what areas in our relationship needed improvement. (I'm including our list of questions at the bottom of this post.) 

3.  Dates - We've always heard the advice that it's so important to go on dates twice a month and then to take quarterly overnight dates.  In the past we've been slack in this area but when we make it a priority we see such a difference in how we relate to each other.  As a stay-at-home mom, it's crucial for me to get out of the house to feel like a wife and not just a mother.  Plus these times help us both to feel pursued and valued. 

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One reason I wanted to share all of this here on my blog is that I know how easy it is to look at others' marriages and think everyone else has it together and you are the only one struggling.  But I want to encourage anyone reading this that there are seasons to marriage.  Some seasons are tougher than others but its so worth putting forth the effort to improve your relationship.  Bad habits can be changed.  Forgiveness and healing are possible.  Don't give up!  

I loved how Keller describes it, 

"When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. 

But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.  It is what we need more than anything.  It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

This is what makes marriage beautiful and set apart.  It allows us the unique opportunity to give a glimpse to this world of God's amazing, never stopping, never giving up, kind of love.  I'm so thankful to have experienced this myself in my own marriage.  This is what makes it all worth fighting for.

As promised, here is the list of questions we gave each other.  These are just some ideas to help you brainstorm.  Every couple can make their own unique list.

Questions for David
How can I show you respect?  In what ways have I been disrespectful?
How can I spur you on spiritually?
What ways do you see yourself leading our family and what are areas that need growth?
How can I live shoulder-to-shoulder (have fun and do things that you like) with you?
How can I support you in the next 6 months?
What would you like our weekends to look like?
What would you like to see different about our life/family?
Who can you be talking to for accountability?

Questions for Kelly
What is one of the biggest things you appreciate about Jesus and the gospel?
In what way can I help you process, encourage and spur you on in your spiritual growth?
What are two or three things that you feel like you struggle with the most and what can I do to create an atmosphere that will help you thrive in pressing on against those struggles?
Name three things that I can do to make you feel like the most special person on Earth?
What are one or two things that we could add to our evenings that we currently do not do that would make our evenings more meaningful?
What can I do to make you feel like I am leading our family in a positive direction?
How am I doing as a dad?
Let's share three things that we adore about each other.